Every breath we take is a gift

Feb 9, 2009

So Sister Davenport has been on one this week. We were sitting on the couch at Colleen’s house (recent convert) waiting for the family to come in. She found a fluffy stuffed jack-o-lantern that said, “Haha Happy Halloween!” Sister Davenport apparently decided that I needed a lesson in patience so she took the fluffy pumpkin and stuffed it into my face while it sang, “haha! Happy Halloween.” “You’re so funny Sister Davenport,” I said rolling my eyes. And then again the pumpkin was in my face, “Haha! Happy Halloween.” So I realized that this was only the beginning. I sat there stone-faced as the pumpkin danced in my face, on my shoulder, around my neck all the while shouting “Haha! Happy Halloween! Haha! Happy Halloween! Haha! Haha! Haha!” My fuse blew and I started attacking her sister-style. You know: punches and karate kicks and all that.

Anyways, I’m pretty sure she’s conducting an experiment to discover all of my buttons and is calculating exactly how often and how many times she can push those buttons before I lose it. Apparently my reactions are that interesting. All week long she’s been doing things like taking a bazzilion pictures right in my eyes so the flash blinds me, she’s been balancing books on my head while I’m trying to tell her something serious, and adding a super high annoying voiceover every time I’m reading from the white handbook. But for some odd reason, right at the moment I’m about to go on a tyrannical tirade my stiffness and stress goes out the window and I’m forced to laugh and relax. She’s good for me.

This week I have become blatantly aware of a lot of my weakness. I always knew they were here but I usually tuck them away to solve at a later date, but I guess that date is here. I’m pretty shy and it takes me a while to feel comfortable around people. I need time to scope them out, to figure what they’re like and I how I relate to them. I can’t be thrown into a friendship, it takes me a LONG time. I also am extremely intimidated with people in authority positions such as those who are older than me, leaders, people in more grown up times of life (aka marriage). I don’t really ever feel completely comfortable around these people. So now let me tell you my job description. I am supposed to go up to total strangers and bear my testimony to them about one of the most personal aspects of my life: the gospel. Most of the people I talk to are older than me. They need to feel comfortable around me in order for them to listen to what I have to say. They have to know that I love them. I have to work with the ward leadership. I am supposed to be an equal with them even though I feel like a little girl.

It’s really rough. Because I feel uncomfortable around these people, they in turn feel uncomfortable around me. I’m super intimidated by them so they are super intimidated by me…and the cycle continues. I’m supposed to just love all these people right off the bat, but I can’t do it. I don’t love people right off the bat because it’s dangerous. I know that I love them somewhere deep inside, but my fears take over and a wall goes up. The spirit can’t go through that kind of a wall. So this is what I’m struggling with. I can be organized, I can study really well, I can memorize the right things to say, but if I can’t truly love the people around me and learn how to show that love, then nothing else I do matters. Blah. But I’m not discouraged. I know that this is something that I can’t change on my own, but I have the gift of the Holy Ghost and He can change me as I do everything I can to overcome my inabilities.

We had sister exchanges this week. I spent the day with Sister Dennison. We rode bikes and taught some lessons. This one guy was so interested in what we had to say that we taught him all three lessons in one sitting. Overload, but he liked it. He’s from Indonesian. I love Southeast Asia. UMM…I DON’T KNOW WHY BUT THE COMPUTER JUST STARTED DOING ALL CAPS AND I DON’T KNOW WHY…AND YES I TRIED PUSHING THE CAPS-LOCK BUTTON…OH WELL. THE SHOW MUST GO ON. ANYWAYS, WE WERE WALKING DOWN THE SIDEWALK AND THERE WAS THIS GIRL WHO HAD ORANGE HAIR THAT WAS SUPER COOL. WE TOLD HER WHO WE WERE AND SHE SAID, “WHAT? SORRY, I’M PAGAN.” NOW HOW WOULD YOU REPLY TO THIS? NOW THAT SHE’S NOT IN FRONT OF ME I CAN THINK OF A THOUSAND THINGS TO SAY, BUT WHAT DID I SAY? “THAT IS SO COOL!” AND THEN WE WALKED AWAY. WHAT KIND OF MISSIONARY AM I? I THINK I WAS DISTRACTED BY HER COOL HAIR.

SO I’VE BEEN OUT FOR A TRANSFER SO YOU’D THINK I’D HAVE ALL THE BASIC MISSIONARY CONDUCT FIGURED OUT, BUT NO. THERE IS ONE THING THAT I STILL STRUGGLE WITH. WE ARE REQUIRED TO HAVE ONE MISSIONARY STAND BEHIND THE CAR TO HELP GUIDE THE OTHER MISSIONARY WHEN THEY ARE BACKING OUT OF A PARKING SPOT. I CAN’T REMEMBER THIS RULE FOR THE LIFE OF ME. EVERY DAY IT SEEMS LIKE I GET INTO THE CAR AND SISTER DAVENPORT HAS TO SAY, “GET OUT OF THE CAR.” UGH. I MUST ASSIMILATE MYSELF INTO THIS CULTURE BUT I THINK PART OF MY SUB-CONSCIENCE SELF IS RESISTING. WOW . THIS CAPS LOCK THING IS ANNOYING.
SOMEONE SAID SOMETHING AT CHURCH THAT FOR SOME REASON HIT ME. I GUESS ITS KINDA CHEESY OR CLICHÉ, BUT FOR SOME REASON I REALLY LIKED IT. (PROBABLY CAUSE I’M CHEESY AND CLICHÉ). WE CAN NEVER FEEL LIKE OUR LIFE IS NOT BLESSED BECAUSE EVERY BREATH WE TAKE IS A GIFT. :)

The people we are teaching are super cool. Bonnie should be getting baptized this week. She is really sweet and insightful.

Lauren had her blessing last week and it was extremely powerful. It was conditional on her sharing her testimony with others. She made a cd for us yesterday of her talking about her testimony and it included a bunch of christian songs.

The Johnson family (Colleen and Justin) are the most charitable people I know. Giving to others doesn't empty their bucket, it makes it more full. I want to be like them.

SISTER JOHNSON…